There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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