i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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