I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
