I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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