I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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