Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize