So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
