I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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