So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
