he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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