it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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