U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize