i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize