Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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