I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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