He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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