then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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