She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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