Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
