phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
