"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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