I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
