He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
