I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
