And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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