I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
