Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
