My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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