You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
