I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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