ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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