his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
