watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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