discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
