I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
