I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
