That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
