smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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