I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
