I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
