I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
