You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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