We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
