I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
