for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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