apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize