Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
