I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
