We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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