He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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