you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
