I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
