I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
