How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
