nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm at about main and main street
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
