When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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