Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
